As women, we are expected to "know" things or be born with certain instincts, or at least I feel like people assume we are.  Take for instance going into labor: How are we supposed to "know" when it's time?  We're just supposed to, right?  Every contraction I have, real or false, is followed by my husband's asking, "What's going on?"  "I don't know!" I scream back.  

I don't know, and it is confusing.  What they tell you is that every pregnancy, every labor is different, but fake contractions are supposed to feel like a tightening, and real contractions are painful.  Okay, well, if everything is always different, how can some things remain constant?  I didn't really have any painful contractions with my first labor so I have no prior knowledge to go on this time around if labor starts with contractions and not my water breaking.

I still feel stupid, however, for not just "knowing".  There are other things that women are expected just to know... how to cook, how to know exactly which cry of her baby means what, stuff like that.  I did not know how to cook until a few years ago, and that was a huge learning process.  Knowing about babies' cries are a complete mystery to me, and I'm not the only one who has said that she can't differentiate, but she feels as though she's supposed to know.  I mean, if every child is different, then how are we supposed to know what their cries mean?!

Why do people assume that all women are born with the Super Mom/Martha Stewart gene?  It doesn't exist.  Unless your mother was a chef and a nanny and was able somehow to teach you everything she ever learned, you are probably as clueless as the rest of us are, but you're too scared to sound like the only one who doesn't know anything.

And don't get me started on breastfeeding.  That's a whole learning curve that I won't be participating in again.  That's not something that comes naturally!  I mean, if there is a whole field of nurses or lactation consultants dedicated to breastfeeding, doesn't that say that it isn't an instinctively easy thing to conquer?

All I'm saying is just stop assuming that we know what we're doing.  If we look to be struggling, we probably are.  Don't feed us lines like, "You'll just know" because we don't always "just know".  So now I wait... to instinctively KNOW when the time is upon me for this baby to be coming... waiting.... waiting... wait, what was that?!  I DON'T KNOW!!!
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Image Credit: CostumerDiscounters.com

Obviously, making the decision to have kids is the first step, but the second is deciding if you want to have them sooner or later.  It's just like Jerry Seinfeld says about medicines: "Do I want quick-acting or long-lasting?  When do I want to feel good: now, or later?"  When do you want to enjoy your "free time" without kids, now or later?  There are benefits and downsides to both approaches.

If you have kids very young, then you are younger as they get older... Your chances of being more of a friend than a parent are greater - very Gilmore Girls, and you will probably end up being a younger grandparent, having more stamina to be able to keep up with your grandchildren.  

However, if you start having kids in your early 20's, you may miss out on travelling, establishing a solid career, getting more financially ready for a family, and you may end up with a few regrets... regrets that you'll never breathe life to because you're too scared to be judged so you'll say, "I wouldn't change anything for the world."

If you have kids later - like in your 30's, you've probably had a chance to be wild, had a chance to get some good quality years in with your spouse before complicating things, gotten your career solidly going in the right direction, upgraded to a good-sized home, and you are probably more financially ready (as financially ready for a child as one can be). 

Having children later means that you may have more patience (from a few more years of lessons learned, but in my case, I seem to lack that extra patience), but you will also be older as your kids get older, and your body may not handle bearing children as easily.

I have seen cases of both now and later kids, and for us we didn't really make the decision to have kids until later so we indefinitely ended up in the LATER camp.  If we had gone into our married life together knowing we wanted a family, would we have started sooner?  I don't really think so.

I mean, I'm not really sure what I would have done if I could rewind time and start out my marriage knowing that I was going to want children.  I really enjoyed the first several years of our marriage without children.  I liked being selfish and doing what I wanted when I wanted, and I liked not having to worry about another person and being able to travel along on Mark's work trips if the destination seemed interesting (even though I did tag along to a farm show in Iowa once... and that certainly doesn't qualify for "interesting").  Enjoying a pre-child-maimed body for all of my 20's certainly was a plus... ah, I miss those days when a tube top didn't act like a spatula smashing down a fluffy pancake.

Are you a now or later kind of parent?  Do you wish you would have gone the other way?  I'd love to know what you think!
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Image Credits: top: Soccer FIT Academy, Bottom: Superstock.com

You know, I'm probably preaching to the choir on this one, but finding a great OB/GYN is critical especially to your overall mental well-being when pregnant, or even when trying to get pregnant.  

Now, personally, I'm all about having a female doctor, but I have heard some women say that the really old men are great OB's.  I'm not buying what they're selling!  I mean, aren't men of any age still men, and don't we all know what they're thinking; how could they not be???  Are we supposed to believe that they just turn that part of their brains off when they come to work?  Right.

Four years ago when I first went in for a pre-conception meeting before we decided to start trying for our first, I chose a doctor online by her credentials.  Let me tell you, people who look great on paper are not always great in person (I guess that's why there are such things as interviews).  

That doctor got me so upset by making me feel like an idiot with all of my "silly" questions about pregnancy, even saying "Women have been doing this for many years" and "I grew up on a farm; having babies is messy!"  Yes, she seriously likened human pregnancy to farm animals' pregnancies.  Nice.  Not the doctor for me.

Good thing for me, however, my nail tech friend recommended her doctor to me, and I have been so happy ever since switching.  She, unlike farm doctor lady, is the most optimistic, smiley doctor you'll ever meet... all flowers and rainbows and a constant smile on her face... which is great because apparently someone in the medical world thinks I have anxiety and put it in my chart (however annoyed I was to learn this fact, I think he/she was correct in the diagnosis).  My doctor (Dr. J) is always aware of my so-called anxiety, and I think she takes extra time to calm me down and make sure my mental health is as good as my physical health.

Dr. J. even remembers details about me - just like a hair dresser does.  Doctors aren't required to have a good bedside manner to be successful like hair dressers, but it's nice when a doctor takes a personal interest in your life outside of your health issues.  The nurse I had today said that when she was in labor, Dr. J. was at the hospital dropping off Girl Scout cookies, and she stayed to deliver her baby - now that's the kind of doctor you want to have!

The moral of the story is that if you're not super 100% comfortable with your OB/GYN, shop around, ask for recommendations.  It is a very personal relationship you end up having with him/her, and they're up (way up) in your business sometimes.  Find someone who cares about you as a person, like my Dr., who even gives the occasional hug.

This one's for you Dr. J... I hope you're reading!  You ROCK... even though you did cut your nails today and couldn't "accidentally" break my water...
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Image Credit: Integrated Medical Data

I'll admit it... I'm scared about what my second child will be like compared to my first.  Anyone else had these fears?  My little Leighton was such an easy baby (as easy as a baby can be), and I can't imagine that my odds for a second easy baby are very good.  I mean, children from the same parents are most often very different from each other, right?  So what does that mean for us with the second?

From what I hear from my friends, it seems as though baby boys are much easier than baby girls, but I don't have a lot of data to back that assumption up.  I'd like to think that it was my superb parenting style and all of the research that I did pre-first baby that lead to having such an easy baby, but I'm not sure if that's really the case either.  Part of me also likes to think that my dominant, purebred Korean genes had something to do with how good our first was too... but again, I think I'm making things up.

The scary thing is that I only know of one person who said her second was easier than her first which was also easy.  Am I prepared for a difficult baby?  Um, no.  What will happen if this baby cries for no reason, constantly?  Lord help us.  I mean, he's already being more difficult in the womb than Leighton was... never in a good position for a profile picture despite the fact that I've had 7 ultrasounds (well, in the first 2 ultrasounds he didn't have a profile yet, but still)!

Despite the fact that I'm concerned about his overall demeanor, there's not a whole heck of a lot that I can do about it anyway.  Stay tuned, and we'll find out together.

On one of my pregnancy apps, the tip of the day was, "Discuss the pros and cons of an epidural with your doctor."  Um what cons? You know, they don't give out awards, medals, or even those little stickers like they do then you vote if you survive an au natural delivery.  Why do women opt not to get an epidural? You wouldn't get a root canal without anesthetics, would you?

I know some women like to wear their natural births like a medal and say it with pride... Something else for women to be petty and caddy about... Like we needed more things to be caddy about, right?

Seriously, I see no reason to endure that kind of horror unless you get to the hospital too late like my poor nail tech and friend who practically gave birth in the hallway at the birthing center.  Why would you want that awful pain associated with one of the happiest moments in your life?  Not getting an epidural makes as much sense to me as cutting your ring finger off at your wedding, why?  There is no reason for the unnecessary pain.

As my time soon approaches, I have prepared my birth plan to say in big, bolded, red letters, "I want an epidural!" so there is no confusion or in case I suddenly lose the ability to speak.  It also says not to give me any crap about my decision not to breastfeed... but that's a whole other story.

If you are a first time mother, sometimes you think that you're going to do everything that's "best for your baby" by opting not to get an epidural (like in the pre-baby class I went to last time around, and they showed a non-epidural baby climbing up its mother to her breast like a new baby panda climbing up his mother to find a teat - it was gross and TMI), but let me tell you, as the second labor approaches, there will be no question in my mind what my pain relief option will be.  

There's no shame in getting a little help; don't listen to the hippie teaching the classes.  It doesn't hurt the baby, clearly.  I mean, take one look at my little Leighton... he's perfection...most days.
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I was in the grocery store the other day and an old friend stopped me and said, “Oh, are you expecting?” (who knows how that comment slipped past her “never ask a women if she is pregnant” filter).  “Nope, just had a baby,” I replied.

I delivered my third child two months ago. I feel like my body was pretty good at returning to it’s pre-stretched shape after the first and second child, but by child number three it’s possible I’ve done some permanent damage here. Things are not going back to where they belong.

For anyone who has ever been pregnant they know pregnancy weight is not something you can exercise off as easily as the other type of calorie burnable mass. This is the weight that your hormones dictate how long the pounds stick around.

So, lets talk about the elephant in the room - or the flub around my mid section. Was it really all worth it? Is having kids worth giving up ever having the chance to have chiseled abs?

Over the past three and a half years I have gone from a fit physic, clean house and manageable schedule to three children. My life has gone from zero to 60 in a very short time. By the time I’m done changing one diaper, I’m off to clean up the mess my toddler made while I was with the baby and then I’m on to calming the third from the tantrum he developed while waiting for me to finish with the first two kids.

Nothing past having a live-in Au Pair could save me now. But I guess it’s not permanent. Even if the tummy is permanent. The crazy isn’t permanent. The kids will grow out of diapers and they’ll be off to college in no time. It’s like they say “the days are long but the years are short.” In the meantime, I’ll take every messy kiss and muddy tennis shoe I can get. 
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The other night as we were watching Frozen, Mark asked Leighton, "Do you think she's pretty?" about Elsa.  He replied, "yeah."  I asked him, "Is she as pretty as mommy?"  

This is where an "advanced" man's brain... okay wait... maybe advanced isn't the right word... and "older" man's brain... would have had red flashing alarms going off.  However, poor, innocent little Leighton has not yet been burned by traps like this, and he responded, "Yeah."

Mark said, "Oh Leighton, I should have warned you about that.  You walked right into that one."  Obviously, he will need to be taught that when mommy (or any other woman) sets a mind trap like that the answer is always "No, you're the prettiest."  Clearly he will need to learn this lesson later or the hard way, as most other men have.

The exchange left me wondering what other "lessons" will he need to be taught by daddy over root beer floats on the back deck?  What words of "man wisdom" (wisdom - ha!) will Mark enlighten our sons with?  What will be said in those moments when mommy isn't around and topics wander toward the opposite sex?  (Clearly, he will need to teach them about appropriate flora purchases... see my last post).

Won't it be interesting to see how daddy's advice about women actually affects their choices and decisions later on.  Will they use lines like, "My dad always said..." and "My dad warned me not to..."?  I mean, how will Mark advise the boys to respond when a woman is modeling an outfit and says, "Does this make me look fat?" when his response is always the harsh truth (he has told me that outfits make me look pregnant when I'm wasn't pregnant or even post pregnant...).  Will it be a do-as-I-say, not-as-I-do scenario?  

Hopefully my boys will grow up to be wiser than the average man when it comes to women.  But if daddy doesn't teach them the "ways", then mommy will have to intervene... or they'll just have to learn the hard way, I guess.
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Image Source: El Metro News

Okay, I may be alone on this one, but here goes... Mother's Day has come and gone, and yes, I'm a little late to post this rant, but give me a break!  I've been so miserable, exhausted, and now I have this awful cold.  Anyway, what I wanted to say around Mother's Day, and going forward is that a plant is not an acceptable Mother's Day gift.  Why?  OOH - let me tell you!

See that plant?  I received that plant last year after a not-so-subtle hint to my husband that when he left the house he should return with a gift of flora.  Well, I should have been more specific because that's what he came back from the florist with (florist, mind you... not the grocery store which would have been completely unacceptable).  

He was beaming with pride at his accomplishment, but I was disappointed to say the least (and I do not have a good poker face, and I suck at lying so I'm sure my emotions were somewhat clear).  Why?  Because when you give a mother a gift on Mother's Day - a day that is supposed to celebrate all a mother does for her family, you don't give her MORE WORK TO DO by getting her a plant to take care of on top of everything else she has to do.

Am I being dramatic?  I don't think so.  I used to like plants until I had a child (a young child - maybe mothers of older children feel differently) and realized I just didn't have the energy or will to care for them too.  

Hadn't said husband realized that weeks before that Mother's Day, I had purged the house of all but one of my houseplants??  Hello!  Of course not.  Men are completely oblivious to change (Mark usually notices changes around the house about 1-2 months after they occur, and then he says, "When did that happen?  It has been like that forever!")

I mean, I don't want to sound like an ungrateful Bee-otch (oh, it's okay if I say it, but no one else better call me that...), but he seriously should have known better.  Plants as gifts (in my case) should only be given if requested specifically.

To that end, I also wanted to note that with the impending baby coming, I have lost all will to plant flowers in my outside planters on the deck and on my front step.  It's not that I'm a lazy person, I'm totally a psychotic Type A personality, but I remember how annoyed I was about taking care of outdoor plants when I had Leighton in June of 2011, and I just don't see the point this year.  All I can envision is cursing those plants under my breath as I drag the hose across the yard to give them continued life-sustaining water.

Maybe next year I will be out of my plant funk.  However, until then... no plants shall be allowed entry!

Okay, I do understand that I was a "Crap Giver" when it came to others who made the dreaded mini van purchase, but I honestly cannot believe the amount of crap that I have received for deciding to purchase a mini van!  I get that the mini van isn't exactly the poster child for "cool".  I mean, I did ask our car salesman (who had only been selling cars actively for 3 months) if he was going to hand me my sweater set when I bought the van (he didn't get it).  

On Saturday, even our good friends asked if we parked our mini van down the street so the neighbors didn't see a mini van in their driveway.  You would think that any other parent would understand the amount of sacrifices that you make for your children, right?  How is this sacrifice of dignity any different than any other difficult sacrifices anyone else makes for their children?  We should be respected for this level of sacrifice (it's right beneath the body-maiming sacrifice every mother makes).

Maybe the badgering is two-fold because of the car that I gave up, but seriously, it's done now... we have the van... so deal with it.  I mean, I can watch my son from the front seat with the handy fish-eye mirror in the front - how cool is that?  Leighton loves the Blu-Ray player (see his slack-jawed expression in the image above), he can get in and out very easily, and he loves the new van which makes me happy because we did it for him (and his brother).  Kids love vans, and after all, isn't it all about the children?  Doesn't anyone care about the children!?

The finance guy at the car dealership who was probably in his late 20's said, "If it was socially acceptable for me to own a mini van without having kids, I would!  They're awesome; you can fit so much stuff and so many people in them!"  If it was socially acceptable?  Why do we all care so much?  It's not like I married the van; it won't be a permanent fixture in my life forever.  I guess this is where mid-life crisis usually stems from though, the sacrifices of being a parent and then freaking out when the kids get older and getting a cool car.  But I already had the cool car - where does that leave me for crisis time later on?  How many mid-life crisis are we allowed to have in one lifetime?  Did I use mine up too soon?  Does everybody get just one?

I'll tell you, I'm not in love with the mini van, but it is very practical.  I do like that when we're going to be packing for a trip, I probably won't have to say, "Do we have room to bring xyz?"  And although you vehicle is probably "cooler" looking than my brand new van, I'll always have one more thing than you... cup holders!  So there.  Who knows... maybe I'll single-handedly make mini vans cool, and then you'll want one.  Stranger things have happened.

There's nothing that bothers older female relatives more than when you refuse to tell them the name you have chosen for your baby pre-birth.  I have chosen the way of secrecy with both pregnancies; although, I've been a little more lax the second time around than the first (with the first I told no one... the parents know this time around).

Why the reason for the lock-it-up-and-hide-the-key mentality?  Well, I'll tell you. Telling people before the baby is born will result in one or more of these consequences:

1. You will receive unsolicited viewpoints about the name: "I knew a so-and-so back in high school - she was the most irritating person ever and had a clicking knee." or "I don't like that name, have you thought about naming the baby after a family member?"  Both of these scenarios leave you in a very awkward place in a conversation, and you can't get those kinds of remarks out of your head, plaguing you with doubt about your choice.

2. Uncreative name stealers.  Oh yes, people do steal other people's baby names.  It happened to my very own mother who was supposed to be Margaret until her mother spilled the beans about the name, the name got stolen, and then my mom ended up with the name Nancy (good thing too - because she doesn't look like a Margaret).  There was no way I was going to tell my carefully-selected name to a name stealer!  I worked much too hard to come up with something unique, but not too unique.  Once the baby is born and the name is announced, everyone is obligated by Baby Law to say they love the name, regardless of what they mumble under their breath to their partners because there is nothing they can do or say to sway the outcome.

Here is the second piece of very helpful information when it comes to naming your babies: Consider the rhythm and flow of the syllables.  All three names should have a different amount of syllables to have the best sound.  My first has a 2 - 3 - 1 flow.  My second will have the same.  Try putting three names together (or 2 with your last name), and see how it sounds.  Example: Elizabeth Rose Anderson (4 - 1 - 3).  Sounds good, right?  Now think about this: Will Don Smith (1 - 1 - 1).  Sounds bad, right? 

Thirdly, please try to think through the possibilities of bad names that children could come up with when it comes to your child's first name.  What rhymes with it (I mean, obviously with a last name like Frick, our kids are doomed regardless of their first names)?  What nicknames could people make the name into, and are you okay with them?  One of my friends named her son Jacob and hated the shortened name of Jake.  I hate to say it, but someone is going to end up calling him that eventually.  

All I'm asking is that you think very carefully about what you name your child.  That poor little person will have to live with that name forever; it will define him or her.  Try not too get too weird creative (Iike a baby book I read that said you should look in your refrigerator for naming inspiration - "Okay Ketchup, let's go to the park!"), but do try to step out of the small box of the top 5-10 names of the year.  I mean, you could be lazy and go that route, and yes, he or she would probably not have an issue finding a novelty key chain with their matching name on it, but there will just be a plethora of other kids with the same name, making them feel less special than they really are.  And once you've found that perfect melodious, rhythmic, creative name combination, protect that secret with your life, lest you have to go about the process all over again when someone steals it!
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